gah this is so good. I am a dog person because I need that security of knowing I'm wanted there, of knowing I'm not intruding of invading or overwhelming. I can be ... a lot. And if I'm going to show up as my full, loud, intense dog self, I need to know they are not going to reject me and dart away at the first bark of "actually, I'm not straight. Actually, not everyone wants kids. Actually, there's another way to be and think and feel." Even within "dog world" though, it does require that awareness of who is being enthusiastic and hospitable and who is being overbearing and aggressive. Who is going to try to fit their definitions on me and who is genuinely appreciative of my energy and can meet it in kind.
But anyway this is so good to read and so well nuanced because I have definitely been that dog person who met cat people and went home and lamented about being rejected, unloved, and unwanted and the church only being a closed clique I have to earn and perfect my way into. And I've been the frustrated church person who has no way of knowing beforehand who is which and what makes people feel loved. A clear sign like leaving early is one thing, but how do I know at greeting time or coffee hour or throughout the week who is wishing I more actively loved them and wishing for my attention and care and who is wishing I'd leave them space in silence to feel out the group and not come on too strong? It's so hard to know, so I try to let the other person lead, but then we get into maybe they are waiting for me to initiate and exchange numbers and show I am interested in them. Sigh a lot of this feels like mind-reading until someone can clearly communicate "Oh no, you don't have to do that. I'm fine." or "I'd really love to connect more. It seems like we have a lot in common. Are you free on Thursday?" but then there's never a good way to say "No, I disagree, I don't want to get together." so we're stuck in the wondering who is here out of desire for so much more and who is here out of obligation or desire for so much less. haha
Ooo, what an excellent metaphor. When I was active in church, I think I was a cat who greeted. I tried to acknowledge people I hadn't seen before, but then scurry back to the choir stall. Let them know I SAW them, but not crowd them. And I'd like that visiting. Don't want to be utterly ignored, but would hate to be followed to the restroom!
Nice to see you over here! So much love for this post. "I don’t feel loved when I am trapped by well-intentioned friendliness." AMEN! I feel like the church growth strategy aspect of this can feel extra icky when we are Under a Certain Age and showing up in church: it's hard to find a corner quiet enough that somebody won't try to recruit me! The cat makes me think of Parker Palmer's shy deer as the soul; I feel like I am somewhere between a domesticated cat and a completely wild animal who people have tried to smush into cages. Man! I am so sorry you've had church traumas too, but I am also grateful for the solidarity. Yes, it would be really nice if some of the welcomers would take the trouble to learn about the variety of folks out there, even those of us without kids or giant wallets, and learn to adapt the habits to the people instead of expecting it to go the other way.
This is so wise and generous. Thank you for affirming that God gives space for so many ways of showing up and being. I needed to hear that and also have a more beautiful picture of how things could be in church spaces.
gah this is so good. I am a dog person because I need that security of knowing I'm wanted there, of knowing I'm not intruding of invading or overwhelming. I can be ... a lot. And if I'm going to show up as my full, loud, intense dog self, I need to know they are not going to reject me and dart away at the first bark of "actually, I'm not straight. Actually, not everyone wants kids. Actually, there's another way to be and think and feel." Even within "dog world" though, it does require that awareness of who is being enthusiastic and hospitable and who is being overbearing and aggressive. Who is going to try to fit their definitions on me and who is genuinely appreciative of my energy and can meet it in kind.
But anyway this is so good to read and so well nuanced because I have definitely been that dog person who met cat people and went home and lamented about being rejected, unloved, and unwanted and the church only being a closed clique I have to earn and perfect my way into. And I've been the frustrated church person who has no way of knowing beforehand who is which and what makes people feel loved. A clear sign like leaving early is one thing, but how do I know at greeting time or coffee hour or throughout the week who is wishing I more actively loved them and wishing for my attention and care and who is wishing I'd leave them space in silence to feel out the group and not come on too strong? It's so hard to know, so I try to let the other person lead, but then we get into maybe they are waiting for me to initiate and exchange numbers and show I am interested in them. Sigh a lot of this feels like mind-reading until someone can clearly communicate "Oh no, you don't have to do that. I'm fine." or "I'd really love to connect more. It seems like we have a lot in common. Are you free on Thursday?" but then there's never a good way to say "No, I disagree, I don't want to get together." so we're stuck in the wondering who is here out of desire for so much more and who is here out of obligation or desire for so much less. haha
Ooo, what an excellent metaphor. When I was active in church, I think I was a cat who greeted. I tried to acknowledge people I hadn't seen before, but then scurry back to the choir stall. Let them know I SAW them, but not crowd them. And I'd like that visiting. Don't want to be utterly ignored, but would hate to be followed to the restroom!
Great metaphor and mmmm, yes to spaciousness as love!
Nice to see you over here! So much love for this post. "I don’t feel loved when I am trapped by well-intentioned friendliness." AMEN! I feel like the church growth strategy aspect of this can feel extra icky when we are Under a Certain Age and showing up in church: it's hard to find a corner quiet enough that somebody won't try to recruit me! The cat makes me think of Parker Palmer's shy deer as the soul; I feel like I am somewhere between a domesticated cat and a completely wild animal who people have tried to smush into cages. Man! I am so sorry you've had church traumas too, but I am also grateful for the solidarity. Yes, it would be really nice if some of the welcomers would take the trouble to learn about the variety of folks out there, even those of us without kids or giant wallets, and learn to adapt the habits to the people instead of expecting it to go the other way.
This is so wise and generous. Thank you for affirming that God gives space for so many ways of showing up and being. I needed to hear that and also have a more beautiful picture of how things could be in church spaces.
I’m definitely a dog person, but is it just me or do all the dog churches have terrible theology?